So, about half a year after I almost quit swimming the second time, I got made team captain.
Even though some things were fixed from me originally fucking literally everything up five years before that, I was still obsessive, and raw, and too into -- you know -- and putting my energy into this job I didn't even think I deserved in the first place made me stop asking myself fucked up questions. Like, when was I gonna fuck everything up again? When is everyone gonna see I'm still messed up, and bail? How am I gonna prove myself to my old friends or convince my new ones I'm worth the trouble?
And it turns out I liked being captain. A lot. I liked working all the long hours figuring out training regimes, and getting to know the team as more than stats to beat. I liked being in charge, and thinking about swimming as a team sport, and I liked having a mandatory place to be after school with other people, because for the five years before that I had no friends except a dog. I liked being good at it.
And you know what? It kept me from fucking up things again. I stopped agonising over whether I could send a text to Haru and just did it. I didn't freak out if something went wrong, or I failed at something. I stopped thinking I didn't belong, because I had other places I could belong, if I really did fuck it all up again. I got closer with old friends and new friends, because somehow being captain helped me see what I could do right. It helped. I know it did.
1/2
So, about half a year after I almost quit swimming the second time, I got made team captain.
Even though some things were fixed from me originally fucking literally everything up five years before that, I was still obsessive, and raw, and too into -- you know -- and putting my energy into this job I didn't even think I deserved in the first place made me stop asking myself fucked up questions. Like, when was I gonna fuck everything up again? When is everyone gonna see I'm still messed up, and bail? How am I gonna prove myself to my old friends or convince my new ones I'm worth the trouble?
And it turns out I liked being captain. A lot. I liked working all the long hours figuring out training regimes, and getting to know the team as more than stats to beat. I liked being in charge, and thinking about swimming as a team sport, and I liked having a mandatory place to be after school with other people, because for the five years before that I had no friends except a dog. I liked being good at it.
And you know what? It kept me from fucking up things again. I stopped agonising over whether I could send a text to Haru and just did it. I didn't freak out if something went wrong, or I failed at something. I stopped thinking I didn't belong, because I had other places I could belong, if I really did fuck it all up again. I got closer with old friends and new friends, because somehow being captain helped me see what I could do right. It helped. I know it did.