[ dave moves his arms so they aren't crossed over his face any longer and just examines karkat. like. he's pretty sure it will hurt worse? and he doesn't buy the injury thing, or really the rest of it, but he does reach out a hand to trace one of karkat's cheekbones. he debates pulling him down for a kiss but that seems really final and also a little bit too desperate.
he lets his hand drop. ]
Because you never have? Because you sounded like you were signing your own death warrant when we talked about it? Because maybe it really kinda fuckin' hurts when you flinch away or panic and look around to see if anyone noticed or clearly feel a bunch of dread towards the whole concept of admittin' to anyone we're datin'? Because I'm pretty sure it's gonna hurt worse for me for you to be doin' all of that while you try to get used to it? Because it's a thing to, I don't know, bear. And maybe it's fucked up I was even remotely worried about how much it'd hurt me?
[ to put up with. because honestly dave isn't sure that's so far off the mark. there is not any real tangible benefit to dating him that he's aware of other than his dubious grasp on how to relationship.
he pushes karkat away from leaning over him so he can roll off the bed and onto his feet, before he takes dirk's advice and says the rest of it in a tone of utter flat reluctance and directed more at the floor than anything else. ]
Because I really, really can't stand that you can do datin' shit with literally everyone but me, and now you'll try to do it only because I said that, and not because you ever had any desire to like, do any of it with me. You can literally raise a crab-child with another guy or have pillow talk with Jake or like a thousand other things you would never even consider doin' with me, Karkat. And absolutely none of that is anything I should have ever said to you, so, you know, congrats. You win one shitty human being.
[ yeah he was right he hates himself more now, this is fine ]
[ this is one of those rare times where karkat is left absolutely speechless. and yes, dave had been right about more than one thing-- that all hurt, like he just had a knife shoved through his chest. multiple times. and for a few seconds all he can really focus on is the fact that he doesn't understand why dave is calling himself the shitty one when karkat has done? all of this to him??
holy shit. he is truly the worst. ]
I. [ yeah he still doesn't know how to react to any of that. ] I'm sorry.
Again: not your fault. Literally all of that is stuff I need to learn to deal with and shouldn't have said. I didn't want to say any of the shit that was buggin' me to Dirk, either.
[ but he'd ended up doing it and dirk doesn't seem upset so maybe that was okay. or he told dirk at least that he was worried he was failing somehow because he's pretty much not who bro wanted him to be, super dying skills aside. ]
I didn't want to tell you any of it because none of it is fair of me to think or feel or say. So can we just consider it, like, case closed? That's pretty much of all of it, I think, I don't know. There's probably something Bro related I'm forgetting but there's thirteen years of Bro shit and honestly I don't really want to waste time thinkin' about the guy sometimes. I'm working on the whole feeling crappy about shit that shouldn't bug me thing, so it's fine.
Oh my fuck, accept my apology? Literally anyone would feel like shit after all of that. No one would want the person they're dating to... do anything that you just said. It's not like, stuff that shouldn't bug you or things you shouldn't feel? I have legitimately been upsetting you for who the fuck even knows how long.
[ like... karkat accepts a lot of blame that does not actually fall on his shoulders, but he feels. very much responsible for this. he has made dave feel like crap, end of story. ]
Ok no this is why I didn't want to tell you I even said so? [ like in addition to making himself feel bad he didn't want karkat to feel bad because it's all on dave? ]
This isn't shit that should actually bug me, at all, it's stupid? You should be able to do literally all of that without me getting weird about it.
I look around to make sure no one is nearby before kissing you! How the hell is that normal? Spoilers: it's not.
[ he rubs his temple. ] And everything else is-- Dave, you're jealous? How the fuck am I supposed to fault you for being jealous if I get jealous any time someone who isn't related to you or named John Egbert talks to you for longer than five minutes?
I knew you didn't want to go public to start with when we started dating? I literally knew this. I shouldn't have ever brought up wanting anything different because spoiler alert obviously that would end badly? And I'm not jealous.
[ hE DOESN'T LIKE THE WORD because he usually isn't, but it has admittedly piled up mostly because he. wants to do those things too. that other people can do. with his boyfriend. he's bad at this. he's not exactly worried about being dumped but he kind of wants to be so he can also do the boyfriendy stuff that he could do were he not dating karkat this makes sense to him. ]
[ ok but it will be kind of hard to do that boyfriendy stuff as karkat will have holed himself up in his room after stealing at least an entire month supply of chef boyardee, and he will eat it all cold, while watching extremely depressing romance movies where everyone dies or breaks up?? and then he will make very vague posts on the communicator, and when people ask him what's wrong, he'd go "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT :/" even though he very clearly wants to talk about it.
listen. the point is that dave is going to have to tear this relationship out of karkat's cold dead hands?? ]
Yes and that could have changed! Like I said, you can't predict the future. Maybe I also want to hold your dirty hand all the time!
[ TO BE FAIR THAT WAS JUST ONE OF HIS NORMAL INSULTS there was no deeper meaning to it other than the fact he cannot go too long without??? insulting someone?? ]
No, I mean, I could like genuinely want to do it but now if that becomes a thing, you are just going to say I'm being contrary? Also I always want to hold your hand, fuck you?
Because you're literally going to try to force yourself to do shit even though I never actually wanted that. I still don't? I told you if I told you it'd just, like, nix any shot I had at what I actually wanted.
[ which is. what rose and karkat missed. dave did not want to public date, he wanted karkat to want to public date him someday eventually maybe, rather than the mess of getting used to it and everything that happened. he should have been quiet. ]
And no, you don't. But it's not...I don't mind that. Look, can we raincheck the chick flick?
he does not think he can fall asleep in karkat's room right now lmao...among other things karkat's track record for actually letting him sleep is pretty terrible sometimes. ]
Six hour flight. I'll talk to you later, ok? Just, like, shelve everything and forget I ever mentioned any of it. And enjoy the movie. I'll still owe you one.
[ karkat is physically incapable of doing any of that but ok. ]
I love you.
[ it's really the only thing that comes to mind, since he doesn't want to agree to shelving it but he also doesn't want to start another fight about it so.
[ dave knew he shouldn't have shared anything ever ]
Love you, too.
[ and if karkat cares to like, check later, he really will just find dave passed out in his own bed after this??? he was not lying about being tired??? ]
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he lets his hand drop. ]
Because you never have? Because you sounded like you were signing your own death warrant when we talked about it? Because maybe it really kinda fuckin' hurts when you flinch away or panic and look around to see if anyone noticed or clearly feel a bunch of dread towards the whole concept of admittin' to anyone we're datin'? Because I'm pretty sure it's gonna hurt worse for me for you to be doin' all of that while you try to get used to it? Because it's a thing to, I don't know, bear. And maybe it's fucked up I was even remotely worried about how much it'd hurt me?
[ to put up with. because honestly dave isn't sure that's so far off the mark. there is not any real tangible benefit to dating him that he's aware of other than his dubious grasp on how to relationship.
he pushes karkat away from leaning over him so he can roll off the bed and onto his feet, before he takes dirk's advice and says the rest of it in a tone of utter flat reluctance and directed more at the floor than anything else. ]
Because I really, really can't stand that you can do datin' shit with literally everyone but me, and now you'll try to do it only because I said that, and not because you ever had any desire to like, do any of it with me. You can literally raise a crab-child with another guy or have pillow talk with Jake or like a thousand other things you would never even consider doin' with me, Karkat. And absolutely none of that is anything I should have ever said to you, so, you know, congrats. You win one shitty human being.
[ yeah he was right he hates himself more now, this is fine ]
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holy shit. he is truly the worst. ]
I. [ yeah he still doesn't know how to react to any of that. ] I'm sorry.
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[ but he'd ended up doing it and dirk doesn't seem upset so maybe that was okay. or he told dirk at least that he was worried he was failing somehow because he's pretty much not who bro wanted him to be, super dying skills aside. ]
I didn't want to tell you any of it because none of it is fair of me to think or feel or say. So can we just consider it, like, case closed? That's pretty much of all of it, I think, I don't know. There's probably something Bro related I'm forgetting but there's thirteen years of Bro shit and honestly I don't really want to waste time thinkin' about the guy sometimes. I'm working on the whole feeling crappy about shit that shouldn't bug me thing, so it's fine.
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[ like... karkat accepts a lot of blame that does not actually fall on his shoulders, but he feels. very much responsible for this. he has made dave feel like crap, end of story. ]
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This isn't shit that should actually bug me, at all, it's stupid? You should be able to do literally all of that without me getting weird about it.
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[ he rubs his temple. ] And everything else is-- Dave, you're jealous? How the fuck am I supposed to fault you for being jealous if I get jealous any time someone who isn't related to you or named John Egbert talks to you for longer than five minutes?
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[ also: ]
I knew you didn't want to go public to start with when we started dating? I literally knew this. I shouldn't have ever brought up wanting anything different because spoiler alert obviously that would end badly? And I'm not jealous.
[ hE DOESN'T LIKE THE WORD because he usually isn't, but it has admittedly piled up mostly because he. wants to do those things too. that other people can do. with his boyfriend. he's bad at this. he's not exactly worried about being dumped but he kind of wants to be so he can also do the boyfriendy stuff that he could do were he not dating karkat this makes sense to him. ]
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listen. the point is that dave is going to have to tear this relationship out of karkat's cold dead hands?? ]
Yes and that could have changed! Like I said, you can't predict the future. Maybe I also want to hold your dirty hand all the time!
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Deciding to do something just because I'm unhappy, even though it makes you unhappy? Does not actually count as wanting to do a thing.
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No, I mean, I could like genuinely want to do it but now if that becomes a thing, you are just going to say I'm being contrary? Also I always want to hold your hand, fuck you?
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[ which is. what rose and karkat missed. dave did not want to public date, he wanted karkat to want to public date him someday eventually maybe, rather than the mess of getting used to it and everything that happened. he should have been quiet. ]
And no, you don't. But it's not...I don't mind that. Look, can we raincheck the chick flick?
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Are you leaving?
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I'm not in an Enchanted mood? I'll probs go sleep tbh.
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[ karkat just points at his bed. ]
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[ which is just outside but
he does not think he can fall asleep in karkat's room right now lmao...among other things karkat's track record for actually letting him sleep is pretty terrible sometimes. ]
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I'm so stupid. Yeah, you can go. I'm probably going to watch the movie anyway.
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[ a shrug. ]
Six hour flight. I'll talk to you later, ok? Just, like, shelve everything and forget I ever mentioned any of it. And enjoy the movie. I'll still owe you one.
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I love you.
[ it's really the only thing that comes to mind, since he doesn't want to agree to shelving it but he also doesn't want to start another fight about it so.
might as well say the truth, at least. ]
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Love you, too.
[ and if karkat cares to like, check later, he really will just find dave passed out in his own bed after this??? he was not lying about being tired??? ]