[ he is screaming internally, this would be his first kiss, what the fuck. he's also screaming externally actually, but that part is pretty common for him. ]
Okay so I am going to say flat out that this is not my idea, and it's totally because these fucking bats that obviously failed the audition to perform in "Kiss the Girl" don't know how to mind their own business.
[ they're still yanking at him, but noticeably less so after he said the word kiss. karkat wants to die a little because that more or less actually confirms it for him. ]
Fuck. Okay, I don't usually apologize like... at all, but uh, sorry in advance.
[ it looks like he is actually going to chicken out before he... well, it's hard to lean in, because the bats are still being annoying even if it's not as bad as a few seconds ago. he does eventually manage, and he'll give orihime a quick kiss on the lips because he is stupid and hadn't considered he could have gotten away with a cheek kiss or something. ]
[ Desperate times call for desperate measures, don't they? Orihime had taken him as the expert when Karkat debunked her initial suspicions of the mistletoe bats, so she's not entirely expecting this--though, in hindsight, she really should have.
The bats are still holding onto her hair--actually, a few are chewing on it just because they can. Orihime blinks, eyes wide, and-- ]
...!!
[ So it's not a particularly earth-shattering kiss, but for someone who also has never kissed anyone before, it seems like a pretty big deal. Orihime's face turns bright red, the bats chatter and sing, most of them letting go over her hair...but one that, well, is either a little slow or just wants to eat it. ]
Oh my gosh!
[ Orihime, on the other hand, hides her face and shakes her head quite dramatically, which flips the bat around too. It squeaks for help. ]
[ oh god. oh god he didn't introduce himself first. karkat not introducing himself isn't really that uncommon, since he's rude, but he realizes that this was probably a case where he should have. he wants to sink into the ground and dissipate. ]
Fuck. Uh, it's Katkar. Karkat. Vantas. Shit, that could have gone better.
[ he can't even properly look at her, so he looks upwards and... why is there still a bat attached to her. ]
[ This is not at all how she imagined her first kiss to go! She always thought it would be something cinematic like on a bridge at night or maybe as the last two people left while enemy ships are about to blow up the planet...you know, fun things like that. ]
Karkat Vantas...?
[ What an interesting name. ]
N-No! Don't hurt yourself!
[ Even if she understands the sentiment! She turns around, waiving her arms as if to dissuade him. ]
My name is Orihime Inoue! And I'm sorry it's not like it was bad or anything it's just that I've never--!
[ "i've never" oh god. was that her first kiss, too? it's one thing for karkat to waste his first kiss on something as embarrassing as this, but to also steal someone else's first kiss? now he is definitely going to go find a cliff, he is not sure how to save this situation at all. ]
Jesus dildo fucking Christ, was that your first kiss? Please. Please say it wasn't. Oh my god.
Would have made it mo-- oh my god that's not the issue here!
[ she's also nice? this is terrible, karkat is going to become a hermit after this specifically to make sure he never runs into orihime again so he won't have to ruin her life a second time.
(he's dramatic) ]
Listen. You can hit me. I am allowing you one smack.
[ it takes him a moment to understand what she's asking here, and when it hits him his face turns bright red again. how did he make this worse? ]
Fuck! No! Jesus, don't say something like that out loud. It's like begging for me to be mugged for being a pervert or something. I didn't want to kiss you!
[ ... ]
I mean, not that I wouldn't want to kiss you, but I didn't like, fucking create some devious goddamn plot to ensnare you in a makeout trap, dude.
[ People don't do that. Well, nice people don't do that. And she thinks he would be more excited and proud of himself if it really were some elaborate scheme to kiss strangers. ]
Then there's no reason for me to hit you! It means you were tricked too, doesn't it?
[ he sounds like he doesn't want to admit that he was also tricked. if she hit him this might be less embarrassing for him, because orihime being so nice about it all is just flustering him more. ]
[ Look. She is, she's super buff. She could punch a bear but that would be mean. ]
Nope. I was training in the forest with a cat! I think. Or we were there to talk to someone I knew who was training in the forest, but there was definitely a talking cat!
[ karkat has literally no room to judge here. his own memories are fucking stupid and, thus, he cannot think someone else's are without looking like a hypocrite.
and yet. ]
I see. [ he can't do this. ] And the talking cat, or the person who is acquaintances with this cat, trained you to go rescue this other person.
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Okay so I am going to say flat out that this is not my idea, and it's totally because these fucking bats that obviously failed the audition to perform in "Kiss the Girl" don't know how to mind their own business.
[ they're still yanking at him, but noticeably less so after he said the word kiss. karkat wants to die a little because that more or less actually confirms it for him. ]
Fuck. Okay, I don't usually apologize like... at all, but uh, sorry in advance.
[ it looks like he is actually going to chicken out before he... well, it's hard to lean in, because the bats are still being annoying even if it's not as bad as a few seconds ago. he does eventually manage, and he'll give orihime a quick kiss on the lips because he is stupid and hadn't considered he could have gotten away with a cheek kiss or something. ]
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The bats are still holding onto her hair--actually, a few are chewing on it just because they can. Orihime blinks, eyes wide, and-- ]
...!!
[ So it's not a particularly earth-shattering kiss, but for someone who also has never kissed anyone before, it seems like a pretty big deal. Orihime's face turns bright red, the bats chatter and sing, most of them letting go over her hair...but one that, well, is either a little slow or just wants to eat it. ]
Oh my gosh!
[ Orihime, on the other hand, hides her face and shakes her head quite dramatically, which flips the bat around too. It squeaks for help. ]
I don't even know your name!!
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Fuck. Uh, it's Katkar. Karkat. Vantas. Shit, that could have gone better.
[ he can't even properly look at her, so he looks upwards and... why is there still a bat attached to her. ]
Oh god I'm going to jump off a cliff.
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Karkat Vantas...?
[ What an interesting name. ]
N-No! Don't hurt yourself!
[ Even if she understands the sentiment! She turns around, waiving her arms as if to dissuade him. ]
My name is Orihime Inoue! And I'm sorry it's not like it was bad or anything it's just that I've never--!
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Jesus dildo fucking Christ, was that your first kiss? Please. Please say it wasn't. Oh my god.
[ he definitely cannot look at her now. ]
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[ If she says it was...would that seem disappointing? He was just trying to help! She should have been more appreciative, right? ]
I'm sorry! If I'd know I should have made it more exciting but i thought that the bats weren't really supposed to be like that!
[ She shakes her head again...and again and again. ]
It isn't really what I pictured...but you seem nice! S-so...
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[ she's also nice? this is terrible, karkat is going to become a hermit after this specifically to make sure he never runs into orihime again so he won't have to ruin her life a second time.
(he's dramatic) ]
Listen. You can hit me. I am allowing you one smack.
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But to that suggestion? She is aghast! And so is the bat that's still holding onto her hair for some reason. ]
What? Hit you?
[ Shock! Where would this idea come from? ]
Why would I do that??
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Isn't that what people are supposed to do when you offend their sensibilities or whatever the hell you would describe this situation.
[ it seems fair? to him? after he robbed orihime of her first kiss? he takes this seriously. ]
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No! I mean, that's not how I would describe this situation.
[ Okay we're back to flailing. ]
it was a bat puzzle and we had to solve the puzzle or else the bats would still be trying to nest in your hair!
[ ...No, Hime, the only one that is trying to nest is on you. ]
Or...a-are you saying that you--...
[ Did he plan it?? ]
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Fuck! No! Jesus, don't say something like that out loud. It's like begging for me to be mugged for being a pervert or something. I didn't want to kiss you!
[ ... ]
I mean, not that I wouldn't want to kiss you, but I didn't like, fucking create some devious goddamn plot to ensnare you in a makeout trap, dude.
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[ People don't do that. Well, nice people don't do that. And she thinks he would be more excited and proud of himself if it really were some elaborate scheme to kiss strangers. ]
Then there's no reason for me to hit you! It means you were tricked too, doesn't it?
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[ he sounds like he doesn't want to admit that he was also tricked. if she hit him this might be less embarrassing for him, because orihime being so nice about it all is just flustering him more. ]
The offer is still there.
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I'm not going to hit you! Besides, I'm a lot stronger than I look, so I could do some serious damage.
[ She looks super buff, right? ]
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Are you.
[ he doesn't believe. ]
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[ She pumps her fists like a martial expert.
The kind you'd see in movies. ]
I saw myself training to rescue someone in my memories, too!
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What, were you weight lifting?
[ now he's just staring at her arms, as if the muscles he currently do not see will suddenly spring into life. ]
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Nope. I was training in the forest with a cat! I think. Or we were there to talk to someone I knew who was training in the forest, but there was definitely a talking cat!
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and yet. ]
I see. [ he can't do this. ] And the talking cat, or the person who is acquaintances with this cat, trained you to go rescue this other person.
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[ Sadly she's not entirely wrong even if she doesn't fully understand it. ]
I think it was the cat. But the point is I can be very scary and strong, you know!
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[ not for the same reasons she is implying, but he can't deny that. karkat lost like a year off his life from this conversation alone. ]
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[ Well, one of the reasons. The main one is she doesn't think he deserves it, but that's clearly not as convincing. ]
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Okay. Why don't we shake hands and you can squeeze mine a little harder than usual.
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...Um...will that make you feel better?
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It'll make me feel like things are even. So, sure.
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