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How does it look on you?

[Monotone but really, he just wants a selfie okay.]

What? What makes you think I'm wearing it? I could just be holding it in my hands after it was forced into my possession.

[ it looks great on him. ]

[Dirk gets Wiz to send him a picture in case Karkat won't. (The surveillance state is a terrible thing.)]

Fair enough. Sorry for the burden, Vantas.

[ the picture would be him looking very contently at his new medal that he is wearing. ]

You are not actually sorry.

[Dirk can't quite believe it. But he can?? Somehow it makes sense to him.]

No, you're right, dude.

I shouldn't push someone who's self-conscious about his appearance.

[ dirk may hear something that sounds like a hybrid of a choking noise and an indignant squawk. ]

Who said anything about me being self-conscious? Now you're just assuming shit, Strider. I am the least self-conscious person on this entire base. Wait, hold on a sec.

[ a few more seconds pass and then

tada. a selfie.

it figures that the way to get karkat to do something he doesn't want to is by pointing out that he doesn't want to do it. ]

[Wow. Karkat really is easy.]

Thanks.

[He promptly forwards the picture to Dave.]

Don't get used to it, asshole. That was a one time deal.

[ wait a sec. ] You didn't send that to Dave did you.

I definitely did.

[would not even deny]

What the shit, that wasn't even a decent picture? You should have asked if I thought that was a selfie worth sending to him, Dirk, I looked stupid!

[ not like dave would care BUT KARKAT CARES?? ]

I can say with a bullshit percentage of accuracy that Dave would like any of your selfies.

[Calm down Karkat.]

I can always delete it from his device and replace it with another one if you want.

[ re: karkat calming down..... he Cannot ]

What if he's seen it already? Then he would have two selfies and I am not entirely sure he deserves that honor.

I did say 'replace.' Dave would only get to keep the one.

['Would' is the important word here because Dirk wouldn't delete the other one. He would just give Dave every single selfie ever.

Someone stop Dirk Strider from spoiling his family.]

[ dirk you are going to have to tell dave no eventually. stop this. ]

You are giving him a lot of power over me right now. He already cheats at everything and I do not appreciate this unfair advantage that you are handing to him on a silver platter.

[but he can't??? dave deserves everything he asks for]

A cute picture of his boyfriend isn't generally considered competition material in human culture.

[...That might not be true, Dirk honestly doesn't know.]

[ karkat has an entire internal debate with himself on whether he should proceed with this line of conversation or just hang up because like, even though dirk officially knows about them dating, karkat still likes to pretend that he does not. it makes him feel better. ]

That's because you only know him as Dave, your ectobiological bro who you apparently spoil the ever loving fuck out of. I, however, know him as Dave, the annoying douche who always ends up in dumb competitions with me for some reason neither of us don't understand. It just happens, and this selfie may start another one that I refuse to lose, Dirk.

There shouldn't be an issue as long as you don't instigate the competition.

[He just assumes it's always Karkat's fault honestly.]

[ it is always karkat's fault but that's not the fucking point, dirk!!! ]

Why do you automatically assume that I'm the instigator? This is blatant favoritism at work and I will not tolerate such a biased viewpoint. I know that it's difficult to see through all of that tacky eyewear, but if you stopped looking through Dave tinted glasses for two seconds that maybe you'd be able to comprehend that he is just as guilty as I am for starting shit. Perhaps even more guilty, with that smug little face of his.

[ that smug little kissable face. ]

[In perfect, unemotional, uninflected ConroyBatman neutral:]

My little Davey would never.

Your little Davey would and he has!

[ the sound of shuffling on the other end of the call can be heard and dirk is now getting another self is sent.

this one has wiz in it. ]

Nice. Looks like Wiz is taking to you.

[He obviously forwards this selfie too without even waiting. What are you expecting from him, Karkat, honestly.]

[ STOP DOING THAT? and to think karkat drew you a picture and this is how he is getting repaid? ]

Well you can take him back, he keeps staring at me and it's starting to creep me out a little.

[With friendship.]

He goes where he wants.

[He's URSULA's drone he does not exist solely to answer Strilonde requests.

That's a lie he totally is their family drone.]

Bullshit. He goes where you tell him to and you know it.

[ karkat does not buy your bullshit, dirk. he doesn't even take it off the shelf to inspect its price tag, he just keeps moving on down the aisle with his shopping cart filled with non-dirk related items. ]

Have you considered him asking him to leave you?

[Sure Wiz listens to the Striders but Wiz is also programmed to listen to crew members. ...As long as their orders don't disagree with Dirk's? WHOOPS]

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alienates - 2016-07-20 00:27 (UTC) - Expand

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