No, you're re-reading texts from your ex-boyfriend trying to figure out where you fucked up, even though you didn't actually fuck up. That's the opposite of sorting your shit out. That's recycling your shit and reliving it, over and over.
There is no "this shit." You need to step back and give yourself time. Be with your friends. Take long fucking walks. Stop trying to change things about yourself make him happy, because what's going on with him is not your fault, and make your fucking self a priority.
it's one thing for karkat to tell people he got dumped, but hearing that said to him is something else entirely. he almost hangs up, his finger hovering over the button to end the call, but stops himself. ]
I'm not-- I haven't changed anything about myself. I agreed to those terms because I thought it was worth it, and it still is. Even when all my other friends either died or decided they would rather hang out with someone else than me, he was there. It isn't... I don't regret giving up quadrants.
[ even if he needed rin as a moirail. he can't deny this hasn't been, well, a very positive influence and kind of what he needed, but he can dance around that fact. ]
[the warmth in the words matches the cold snap of the ones preceding. he's hearing that Karkat feels indebted as much as he does grateful; that's not even ground, either]
You told me -- the other day, my room -- when you lose people, you hyper-focus. That whenever you get too invested, you fuck shit up. This is that moment, this is the decision you gotta make. Whether it's gonna be the same old bullshit, or you're gonna try something new.
[ karkat decides that he needs to start hanging out with people who do not actually pay attention to the shit he says? all of this getting his own words thrown back at him is unfair and cheating. ]
[and Rin's no casanova, but he sure does know a thing or two about unproductive, unhealthy, pushy obsessions]
I can help you, the rest of your friends can help you. You need to let go some, and stop twisting yourself into knots over a situation you didn't cause and can't control. We'll take brisk fucking hikes through the wilderness. Play pranks on English. Learn to lasso birddogs. Remember what you're like when you're relaxed.
You'll be able to think clearer about everything for it. I promise. If I'm wrong, you can launch my legskins into outer space to get blasted apart by the pulse.
[ he almost says he has no idea what he's like when he's relaxed, but that's not entirely true. also he doesn't want that to be another argument so he shuts his mouth there. ]
Okay, all of that sounds... well not all of that sounds nice, actually, who the fuck takes hikes? [ he knows rin does but seriously that's gross ] I still need to... not upset him further though?
[ look it's much easier to deal with the dave thing than anything else? well. okay it's not easier, but karkat has put a lot of effort into avoid dealing with everything else and he is not too thrilled to dive into that mess now. ]
[the "YOU GOT DUMPED" card isn't one he wants to play more than once on his own friend. come on, guy]
You don't need to try and dissect all of your character flaws right away. By "your shit," I also mean, taking a break from feeling like crap all the time. Putting your energy somewhere positive instead of neurotic and messy. Figure out some stuff that makes you happy.
So, about half a year after I almost quit swimming the second time, I got made team captain.
Even though some things were fixed from me originally fucking literally everything up five years before that, I was still obsessive, and raw, and too into -- you know -- and putting my energy into this job I didn't even think I deserved in the first place made me stop asking myself fucked up questions. Like, when was I gonna fuck everything up again? When is everyone gonna see I'm still messed up, and bail? How am I gonna prove myself to my old friends or convince my new ones I'm worth the trouble?
And it turns out I liked being captain. A lot. I liked working all the long hours figuring out training regimes, and getting to know the team as more than stats to beat. I liked being in charge, and thinking about swimming as a team sport, and I liked having a mandatory place to be after school with other people, because for the five years before that I had no friends except a dog. I liked being good at it.
And you know what? It kept me from fucking up things again. I stopped agonising over whether I could send a text to Haru and just did it. I didn't freak out if something went wrong, or I failed at something. I stopped thinking I didn't belong, because I had other places I could belong, if I really did fuck it all up again. I got closer with old friends and new friends, because somehow being captain helped me see what I could do right. It helped. I know it did.
I don't know what makes you happy. That's up to you to find out. But it can't be a person -- it has to be something you can take everywhere with you, and make you like yourself, so you can make different parts of your life better.
[ he wants to argue that of course it can be a person. he isn't really sure if he was in love with terezi or not, since he was younger and, amazingly, more emotional back then than he is now. but she made him happy, even when she started pulling away after they first discovered the humans, and until she pulled away completely when she very suddenly rekindled her relationship with vriska.
he still has no idea how to feel about that, honestly. and dave is the one who made him get over that hurt. and, okay, perhaps karkat watches and reads way too much romantic media and that is kind of fucking up his opinions here? when you spend hours doing nothing but absorbing stories that tells you romantic love is the be all and end all of everything, it sort of makes you believe in it a little? or a lot.
the problem is, karkat spent almost his entire life trying to fit into the alternian picture when he is, really, not a very good troll by troll standards. and then he was thrown into the game, where his primary focus was beating it. and then, then when he finally had real time for himself, on the three year trip on the meteor, karkat was basically attached to dave's hip for the entire ride.
so. trying to figure this out now, on his own, is a little troubling. ]
You're actually a great leader. I can tell just by getting bossed around by you all the time.
[his insistence is -- really touching, especially in a place where his team isn't; where his capabilities are so limited, in comparison to everyone else]
I'm glad you were able to get over your shit? Or... are getting over it, since honestly I doubt anyone will ever be able to completely get over whatever level of nonsense that keeps them up at night. Although it is a little weird to me since I can imagine you being the captain of a sportsball team pretty easily?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[911 this is the bullshit police]
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Well, once I have this shit sorted, I can focus on all the other shit that apparently exists.
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[this feels cruel, but also necessary]
There is no "this shit." You need to step back and give yourself time. Be with your friends. Take long fucking walks. Stop trying to change things about yourself make him happy, because what's going on with him is not your fault, and make your fucking self a priority.
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it's one thing for karkat to tell people he got dumped, but hearing that said to him is something else entirely. he almost hangs up, his finger hovering over the button to end the call, but stops himself. ]
I'm not-- I haven't changed anything about myself. I agreed to those terms because I thought it was worth it, and it still is. Even when all my other friends either died or decided they would rather hang out with someone else than me, he was there. It isn't... I don't regret giving up quadrants.
[ even if he needed rin as a moirail. he can't deny this hasn't been, well, a very positive influence and kind of what he needed, but he can dance around that fact. ]
I need to fix this. It's important.
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[the warmth in the words matches the cold snap of the ones preceding. he's hearing that Karkat feels indebted as much as he does grateful; that's not even ground, either]
You told me -- the other day, my room -- when you lose people, you hyper-focus. That whenever you get too invested, you fuck shit up. This is that moment, this is the decision you gotta make. Whether it's gonna be the same old bullshit, or you're gonna try something new.
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What else am I supposed to do then?
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[and Rin's no casanova, but he sure does know a thing or two about unproductive, unhealthy, pushy obsessions]
I can help you, the rest of your friends can help you. You need to let go some, and stop twisting yourself into knots over a situation you didn't cause and can't control. We'll take brisk fucking hikes through the wilderness. Play pranks on English. Learn to lasso birddogs. Remember what you're like when you're relaxed.
You'll be able to think clearer about everything for it. I promise. If I'm wrong, you can launch my legskins into outer space to get blasted apart by the pulse.
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Okay, all of that sounds... well not all of that sounds nice, actually, who the fuck takes hikes? [ he knows rin does but seriously that's gross ] I still need to... not upset him further though?
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We can substitute swimming for hikes.
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Okay but... he is... my shit?
[ look it's much easier to deal with the dave thing than anything else? well. okay it's not easier, but karkat has put a lot of effort into avoid dealing with everything else and he is not too thrilled to dive into that mess now. ]
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[the "YOU GOT DUMPED" card isn't one he wants to play more than once on his own friend. come on, guy]
You don't need to try and dissect all of your character flaws right away. By "your shit," I also mean, taking a break from feeling like crap all the time. Putting your energy somewhere positive instead of neurotic and messy. Figure out some stuff that makes you happy.
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What the fuck makes me happy?
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So, about half a year after I almost quit swimming the second time, I got made team captain.
Even though some things were fixed from me originally fucking literally everything up five years before that, I was still obsessive, and raw, and too into -- you know -- and putting my energy into this job I didn't even think I deserved in the first place made me stop asking myself fucked up questions. Like, when was I gonna fuck everything up again? When is everyone gonna see I'm still messed up, and bail? How am I gonna prove myself to my old friends or convince my new ones I'm worth the trouble?
And it turns out I liked being captain. A lot. I liked working all the long hours figuring out training regimes, and getting to know the team as more than stats to beat. I liked being in charge, and thinking about swimming as a team sport, and I liked having a mandatory place to be after school with other people, because for the five years before that I had no friends except a dog. I liked being good at it.
And you know what? It kept me from fucking up things again. I stopped agonising over whether I could send a text to Haru and just did it. I didn't freak out if something went wrong, or I failed at something. I stopped thinking I didn't belong, because I had other places I could belong, if I really did fuck it all up again. I got closer with old friends and new friends, because somehow being captain helped me see what I could do right. It helped. I know it did.
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he still has no idea how to feel about that, honestly. and dave is the one who made him get over that hurt. and, okay, perhaps karkat watches and reads way too much romantic media and that is kind of fucking up his opinions here? when you spend hours doing nothing but absorbing stories that tells you romantic love is the be all and end all of everything, it sort of makes you believe in it a little? or a lot.
the problem is, karkat spent almost his entire life trying to fit into the alternian picture when he is, really, not a very good troll by troll standards. and then he was thrown into the game, where his primary focus was beating it. and then, then when he finally had real time for himself, on the three year trip on the meteor, karkat was basically attached to dave's hip for the entire ride.
so. trying to figure this out now, on his own, is a little troubling. ]
You're actually a great leader. I can tell just by getting bossed around by you all the time.
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Thanks. I like bossing you around -- that makes me happy, too.
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[ says the guy who also enjoys bossing people around ]
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[a little amused, still, because frankly Karkat is bossier than he is]
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[ that part isn't deflecting, at least. he's being genuine here. ]
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You're a good friend.
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[ don't compliment him wow ]
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Still waiting on a response to my very personal confession...
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[ hmmm ]
Sportsswim?
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