But are you interested in meeting them and helping or not?
[ yeah well
apocalypse city is life. ]
I...guess I was just trying to ask if you were ok? [ no he had no idea what he was going to ask. so dirk says i should tell him negative shit because he likes to know it even if it's not something we can do anything about, do you concur? are you happy? what's up?
there's a lot of options and none of it is something he's sure about saying or how to say it if he. says it. ]
No, it's fine. You're okay, that's all I wanted to know.
[ as long as their solution is working for karkat, that's pretty much enough for dave to keep on as he has been, especially since he got dirk to agree not to call him out on it. even if dirk thinks he's being a dumbass and that's a twisted understanding of dirk not pressing the issue. ]
I'll talk to Rose later or somethin', though. So she's not worried.
[ or he's forcing himself to learn or pretend to be. it amounts to the same thing for dave. he pops the apple-flavored hard candy in his mouth because of course that's what he's stockpiling. ]
You were just...really upset during some of that shit so I was checkin' you're good now. You gonna hit play or what?
[ there's something about that answer that karkat doesn't... really like. he hovers between just going along with this and playing the movie or pressing the issue. the latter might scare off dave, even though dave is the one who brought up the topic for once?
karkat moves so that he's closer to dave, close enough that he can reach over and cup his face between his hands. karkat doesn't move to kiss him or anything, he just holds dave like that so they can. look at each other. ]
Saying that you're fine if I am doesn't really answer if you're actually alright or not, Dave.
[ dave's shades are still on so karkat is mostly looking into sunglasses, but this close up he can probably see through the lenses. dave at least doesn't pull back, although he gives it the space of a breath before he replies. ]
I'm learning to be all right in the areas I'm not quite, okay? Just in real time rather than looping it, so you'll have to put up with a learning curve.
That's how it's supposed to work? I mean. We all have issues that aren't going to be fixed over night. I just want to make sure that we are on the same page about it and are... fuck, trying our best together?
[ he at least lets go of dave's face, placing his hands on top of his own lap instead. ]
You always said that if you thought it was for the best for me, you'd be willing to stop dating? I guess because you're noble or something stupid, I guess. And I thought to myself, "If Dave would be happier not dating me, would I be able to accept that?" And I'd like to say that I am the selfless type of person who'd be okay with that but ha ha, no. I would probably creepily hang around the farm and stalk your instaclam account while also crying over apple pie?
[ where was he going with this. ] My point is... if we stopped dating, would I still be happy after? Probably, since there are other things besides you that make me happy. But you're what makes me happiest, so I just want to make sure that we both know what's going on with us right now.
It's not nobility or whatever. I just really do want you to be happy.
[ and he's had a lifetime's experience in learning how to lose? or something. dave flexes his fingers, trying to think. ]
It's not...the issues I'm talking about don't really have anything you can fix? And it's easier if I just do it. Alone? Like. I mentioned shit that was bugging me to Dirk but literally the only solution is to learn to deal. I need some time to not be okay. Or something.
[ he's used to just repressing everything and that counts as dealing but he's...attempting to just force himself not to be bothered by shit, which is repression in a different direction? p...rogress. ]
Re the happiness thing, I just kind of occasionally consider that there are people who can better suit, like, the things you like to do and want to do than, you know, me. As long as you disagree, cool. We'll talk about it whenever it actually becomes an issue?
[ that... does not answer the actual question that was asked. having fun doesn't necessarily mean that you're happy? he isn't sure what to call out though, if there even anything to?? like always, karkat is not sure if he's freaking out over nothing or not. ]
I guess it's just not... whatever for me though. Your happiness is just something that matters a lot to me? Even if it's something that has nothing to do with me.
The reverse is also true. And I'm not sure knowing about things that upset me in detail would really do much other than make you worry, dude, especially if it's shit that no one can really do anything about. Like, I just need to not care about certain things. I can work on that. But if you're freaking out about it and making yourself unhappy, we'll kinda implode.
[ it makes sense to dave at least??? he really does not want to broach "so these things that make you happy make me feel kinda negative, now you know" since he has no intention of ever asking karkat to...stop...doing any of said things. ]
My bottom line is that I still want to be with you.
Dave. I'm going to freak out regardless? I just... don't like the idea that I might be making you miserable without knowing that I am? I don't expect you to give me the gory details on every shitty feeling you have, but I'd just like to be aware that those shitty feelings exist in general?
[ he would prefer to be told that he is fucking up? like... true, he will probably freak out at the news. but also the longer things get dragged out, the worst his response will be. ]
I'm the only person who makes myself miserable? Like. I guess Bro but whatever he's dead so he doesn't get to count [ even if it is factually true bro still makes him miserable from beyond the grave ] but in this particular case it really is just. My feelings. It's not about what you're doing or not doing, because you should do things that make you happy?
[ basically, dave is an incompetent human being and no one else should have to deal with it, this is his entire take on the matter because everyone else seems to agree on the end scenario ]
Like - okay I cant give a good example here. But you were right back then, it is my fault, not yours.
Ignoring the fact that you are completely twisting my words to fit your agenda right now [ as if karkat does not do that all the time ] Iiii just. I get wanting to deal with things on your own, but you don't have to?
[ which everyone and their mom has already said to dave but. ok. ]
Your feelings are kind of important to me for some ungodly reason? And I know you don't want me to freak out over something that I can do nothing about, let's be fucking honest I am going to throw a fit over something anyway? Also like, even if it's a you thing and not a me thing, it's still affecting our relationship? Which means that it does sort of become an us thing somewhere along the line, at a point.
[ he'll just. flop onto the bed fully instead of sitting on it, staring at the ceiling. ]
Look, it's stupid and pointless? We're doing the thing you guys decided on. I don't think I'd be 100% happy with any of the options provided and at least this has the benefit of being the one you're all gung ho about even if it's for the completely wrong reasons? It's not like I'm locking myself in a room playing My Chemical Romance songs, anyway, and I think there's probably no such thing as a perfect solution in situations like this so I kinda fail to see the point in it being brought up again and again.
[ dave goes back to an older argument instead of bringing up new information, because he genuinely kind of hates himself for the new information that's...old information he never bothered to share. he hated himself for it in relation to dirk, too. and telling dirk was a thing, but he's not sure it helped yet. ]
Like I even pointed out I didn't want to go public just because I wanted to, and we just argued more about that? You're right, we'll both get used to it eventually and then it'll, like, not be an issue at all.
[ karkat squints slightly because what.... tf is my chemical romance... and also like. dave you are the one who brought it up this time, shut up. ]
I even admitted that it would take me a while to get used to going public even if we decided on it? Kind of like how you just said you need time to get over your... stuff. So even if I'm not completely okay, over time I might be? It's the same thing you're doing right now so I don't see why it's a problem when it's me and not you?
[ he bites his bottom lip, trying to figure out how to word this in a way that won't bring them into another circle. ]
I just. Don't want you to pretend to be happy for my sake? I don't think I could forgive myself if I let you do something that stupid.
It's not. You two were right? This is easiest. I was just...kind of stupid to want you to like, date me publicly for reasons other than just to make me happy, because honestly I knew that wasn't going to happen. I should have just not brought it up but I did and I can't change it, so.
[ like, karkat wanting to date him publicly just because karkat wanted...to date him publicly...whenever he was ready to do so. karkat would just have never been ready? so he can, like. deal with...this. ]
I can deal with how it makes me feel, but you need to not worry about it making me happy or not? We're apparently both gonna do the not completely okay with what we're doing thing but the alternatives are all pretty much the same so, uh, that's life?
Okay but, literally everyone thinks I'm a fucking dumbass for even wanting to do the private thing in the first place? So going by your previously stated logic, doesn't that make me the wrong one?
[ they are definitely never going to actually watch either enchanted or ghostbusters. ]
Also you keep saying that. Like, "that's life" or every other cliche variation? It's like you're resigned to the fact that your life is filled with bad things where you won't actually be happy?
Okay we're doing the circular thing now. The truth is, you want to do the private thing? But because I said I didn't, you're forcing yourself not to. Since no one is okay with us continuing to do the private thing despite both of us actually technically preferring that, we're not doing that, so discussing it is kind of pointless? You're not the wrong one, I already knew that was a thing when we started dating and I shouldn't have ever mentioned being ok with doing otherwise because I should have realized you'd flip the fuck out about it and we'd have this mess?
[ so, apparently dave has learned that he should...not say when he wants things lest he upset people by wanting said things. that is of course the life lesson he took away here. ]
I'm happy enough? Karkat, if you don't want me to pretend, I won't, but you can't ask me to be happy all the time. So yeah, that's life, sometimes I won't be thrilled about shit, big deal. The thing I don't like is just stabbing one another in the same place over and over again and expecting different results. It's why I don't tell people this kinda stuff. Dirk seems to have ascended to some higher plane where he leaves it alone as long as I tell it to him and I don't know yet if that's a problem or not, but I guess at least he knows and doesn't hate me for the shit I told him, so that's nice? But even so I didn't really like telling him because I don't actually want to be the kind of person I am, sometimes?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ yeah well
apocalypse city is life. ]
I...guess I was just trying to ask if you were ok? [ no he had no idea what he was going to ask. so dirk says i should tell him negative shit because he likes to know it even if it's not something we can do anything about, do you concur? are you happy? what's up?
there's a lot of options and none of it is something he's sure about saying or how to say it if he. says it. ]
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About... what? Us?
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[ throws up mental hands as he starts unwrapping a candy instead of focusing on karkat. ]
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Wait, no? Do you mean something else? Don't just "sure" me you asshole, I need specifics so I know what I'm answering?
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[ HE CAN'T HELP HIS NATURE which is > avoid all unpleasant confrontations unless a life is at stake ]
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[ a pause. ]
Rose and I have been worried that we... did something wrong. To you. By tricking you into that room with us.
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No, it's fine. You're okay, that's all I wanted to know.
[ as long as their solution is working for karkat, that's pretty much enough for dave to keep on as he has been, especially since he got dirk to agree not to call him out on it. even if dirk thinks he's being a dumbass and that's a twisted understanding of dirk not pressing the issue. ]
I'll talk to Rose later or somethin', though. So she's not worried.
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[ since dave has not mentioned that part. ]
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[ or he's forcing himself to learn or pretend to be. it amounts to the same thing for dave. he pops the apple-flavored hard candy in his mouth because of course that's what he's stockpiling. ]
You were just...really upset during some of that shit so I was checkin' you're good now. You gonna hit play or what?
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karkat moves so that he's closer to dave, close enough that he can reach over and cup his face between his hands. karkat doesn't move to kiss him or anything, he just holds dave like that so they can. look at each other. ]
Saying that you're fine if I am doesn't really answer if you're actually alright or not, Dave.
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I'm learning to be all right in the areas I'm not quite, okay? Just in real time rather than looping it, so you'll have to put up with a learning curve.
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[ he at least lets go of dave's face, placing his hands on top of his own lap instead. ]
You always said that if you thought it was for the best for me, you'd be willing to stop dating? I guess because you're noble or something stupid, I guess. And I thought to myself, "If Dave would be happier not dating me, would I be able to accept that?" And I'd like to say that I am the selfless type of person who'd be okay with that but ha ha, no. I would probably creepily hang around the farm and stalk your instaclam account while also crying over apple pie?
[ where was he going with this. ] My point is... if we stopped dating, would I still be happy after? Probably, since there are other things besides you that make me happy. But you're what makes me happiest, so I just want to make sure that we both know what's going on with us right now.
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[ and he's had a lifetime's experience in learning how to lose? or something. dave flexes his fingers, trying to think. ]
It's not...the issues I'm talking about don't really have anything you can fix? And it's easier if I just do it. Alone? Like. I mentioned shit that was bugging me to Dirk but literally the only solution is to learn to deal. I need some time to not be okay. Or something.
[ he's used to just repressing everything and that counts as dealing but he's...attempting to just force himself not to be bothered by shit, which is repression in a different direction? p...rogress. ]
Re the happiness thing, I just kind of occasionally consider that there are people who can better suit, like, the things you like to do and want to do than, you know, me. As long as you disagree, cool. We'll talk about it whenever it actually becomes an issue?
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[ which is something that karkat has avoided bringing up since that admittance was kind of soul crushing. ]
Are you still unhappy? I know you're working on shit and aren't... entirely okay, but...
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[ a one-shouldered shrug. ]
I'll be fine, Karkat. It's just...whatever, you know? Chalk it up to a mistake for the fuck-up squad and put it in the past, I guess.
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I guess it's just not... whatever for me though. Your happiness is just something that matters a lot to me? Even if it's something that has nothing to do with me.
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[ it makes sense to dave at least??? he really does not want to broach "so these things that make you happy make me feel kinda negative, now you know" since he has no intention of ever asking karkat to...stop...doing any of said things. ]
My bottom line is that I still want to be with you.
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[ he would prefer to be told that he is fucking up? like... true, he will probably freak out at the news. but also the longer things get dragged out, the worst his response will be. ]
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[ basically, dave is an incompetent human being and no one else should have to deal with it, this is his entire take on the matter because everyone else seems to agree on the end scenario ]
Like - okay I cant give a good example here. But you were right back then, it is my fault, not yours.
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[ which everyone and their mom has already said to dave but. ok. ]
Your feelings are kind of important to me for some ungodly reason? And I know you don't want me to freak out over something that I can do nothing about, let's be fucking honest I am going to throw a fit over something anyway? Also like, even if it's a you thing and not a me thing, it's still affecting our relationship? Which means that it does sort of become an us thing somewhere along the line, at a point.
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[ he'll just. flop onto the bed fully instead of sitting on it, staring at the ceiling. ]
Look, it's stupid and pointless? We're doing the thing you guys decided on. I don't think I'd be 100% happy with any of the options provided and at least this has the benefit of being the one you're all gung ho about even if it's for the completely wrong reasons? It's not like I'm locking myself in a room playing My Chemical Romance songs, anyway, and I think there's probably no such thing as a perfect solution in situations like this so I kinda fail to see the point in it being brought up again and again.
[ dave goes back to an older argument instead of bringing up new information, because he genuinely kind of hates himself for the new information that's...old information he never bothered to share. he hated himself for it in relation to dirk, too. and telling dirk was a thing, but he's not sure it helped yet. ]
Like I even pointed out I didn't want to go public just because I wanted to, and we just argued more about that? You're right, we'll both get used to it eventually and then it'll, like, not be an issue at all.
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I even admitted that it would take me a while to get used to going public even if we decided on it? Kind of like how you just said you need time to get over your... stuff. So even if I'm not completely okay, over time I might be? It's the same thing you're doing right now so I don't see why it's a problem when it's me and not you?
[ he bites his bottom lip, trying to figure out how to word this in a way that won't bring them into another circle. ]
I just. Don't want you to pretend to be happy for my sake? I don't think I could forgive myself if I let you do something that stupid.
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[ like, karkat wanting to date him publicly just because karkat wanted...to date him publicly...whenever he was ready to do so. karkat would just have never been ready? so he can, like. deal with...this. ]
I can deal with how it makes me feel, but you need to not worry about it making me happy or not? We're apparently both gonna do the not completely okay with what we're doing thing but the alternatives are all pretty much the same so, uh, that's life?
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[ they are definitely never going to actually watch either enchanted or ghostbusters. ]
Also you keep saying that. Like, "that's life" or every other cliche variation? It's like you're resigned to the fact that your life is filled with bad things where you won't actually be happy?
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[ so, apparently dave has learned that he should...not say when he wants things lest he upset people by wanting said things. that is of course the life lesson he took away here. ]
I'm happy enough? Karkat, if you don't want me to pretend, I won't, but you can't ask me to be happy all the time. So yeah, that's life, sometimes I won't be thrilled about shit, big deal. The thing I don't like is just stabbing one another in the same place over and over again and expecting different results. It's why I don't tell people this kinda stuff. Dirk seems to have ascended to some higher plane where he leaves it alone as long as I tell it to him and I don't know yet if that's a problem or not, but I guess at least he knows and doesn't hate me for the shit I told him, so that's nice? But even so I didn't really like telling him because I don't actually want to be the kind of person I am, sometimes?
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