alienates | ic inbox

[ he pulls out his phone and does a quick google search. then, he turns his phone towards kashuu, showing this picture. ]

They're literally the same fucking animal.

[ no they're not. ]

[LEANING OVER to give this an appraising look... and then nodding in agreement because of course.]

I think we're onto something here, y'know. Something big.

A secret conspiracy that the government has been trying to hide from us all this time.

[ he sounds gravely serious when he says this, and even leans in to talk more quietly so that the cats won't overhear. ]

Lions are actually dogs who are catkin.

[How do their conversations spiral into such wildly stupid territory... That's the real talent they have.]

A lot of things make sense now, yeah? Too bad cats don't realize it, but it's probably better for the dogs that way.

There are a lot of other huge cats so I'm sure they would all gang up on the lions or something if they figured it out.

[ most of them live in different parts of the world so probably not. ]

Eh, that would be pretty sad... I'd feel bad for the lions, then. We'd have to like, take 'em somewhere else so the other cats wouldn't bully 'em.

[Just stick them in Lion Land, it's fine.]

If we make a lion only sanctuary would other animals think that's like... animalist?

[ no that still sounds weird. ]

Speciesist?

Maybe? Lions already get the VIP treatment of anything else in the cat kingdom though, honestly. I mean, king of the jungle? Other cats are probably already used to it. ...Oh my god though, imagine the scandal if they found out the king cats were just nerd dogs.

[PLACING A HAND TO HIS CHEST...

Meanwhile the cat that's been chilling with him since Karkat opened the door finally decides to stretch and meander away. She's probably allergic to the intense amounts of stupidity in the air.]

[ honestly? most likely. they'd probably have to chase down the other cats at this point. ]

Oh No Meow Didn't would go wild with all the posts about it, I bet. Biggest scandal of the damn decade there in catville.

[ how he managed to say that all with a straight face is a mystery. ]

[They don't deserve to be blessed by the presence of cats when this is what they talk about in their spare time...]

Outta curiosity, did you come up with that off the top of your head or have you been sitting on it?

Absolutely nothing I say is ever planned.

[ and that is the honest truth. ]

That's a real talent, y'know? Like national treasure level!

[IS IT. Is it really...]

Some of the things you say are totally frame-worthy so it's great you just come up with 'em on the fly.

I have a lot of opinions on everything so I can't limit my vocabulary or else people won't ever know what's actually right.

[ ...... ]

My opinion. My opinion is what's right.

This is why I told you that you should totally start a blog or podcast or something! It'd be super entertaining.

[For many, many reasons.]

Maybe when I start university next semster. That's what people in college do, right? Start pointless shit while acting like it's a big deal?

[ he has no idea what people in college do. ]

A little of that, yeah! There's also a lot of dying over deadlines and eating ramen, those stories are totally true.

[Isn't Karkat excited to go to college...!]

Can I just drop out now.

[ he hasn't even started yet but this sounds awful. ]

We can start our own business. Who the fuck needs a degree.

I mean, whoever works at Retrospec probably did the same thing, so.

[RAISES HANDS...

Except he knows they've all gotta be like insanely smart science geniuses to do the things they're doing, probably. He just can't pass up the chance to be petty.]

...

[ the fact that jim is probably a college dropout somehow makes karkat even angrier. ]

Maybe there's a course at the university about managing an evil company?

I'd believe anything at this rate, honestly. They always talk about the system spitting out villains anyway, these guys just clearly took it to comic book extremes.

[A little, sloping shrug. If Jim is an alumni or a dropout or an anything at all of Recolle U, he might have to reconsider his attendance, honestly.]

Maybe the mastermind behind all of this actually works at the school? They could be handpicking people to send to Retrospec by purposely failing them.

[ this conspiracy theory is probably not correct. ]

If that's the case, we'd obviously have to find out who's behind it and stop 'em. That kind of plot is too evil.

[Why are they team protag now...]

[ because they're stupid and can't stick to one thing for longer than ten seconds. ]

It's even worse since it means we're giving Retrospec thousands of dollars... no wonder the dumb app is free.

[ stop talking as if this is all a proven fact and not something you just made up. ]

Well, what's that saying... Nothing in life is free? Too true, I guess.

[Sighing and shaking his head! What a tragedy that they just made up on the spot.]

But at least other stuff we pay for isn't getting funneled to actively ruin our lives with weird superpowered conspiracy.

[ ...... ]

I... think?

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