alienates | ic inbox

Wow, seriously? You seem like the kinda guy who was just born with an innate love for cats...

[He actually sounds a little disbelieving. SOUNDS FAKE, KARKAT.]

Apparently my mom was allergic to them so it stuck with me that cats were the devil or something, you know, dumbass kid logic.

[ he still thinks cats are the devil but it's in the fond way that pet owners think their perfect pets are evil. ]

Oooh... [Nodding along!] I guess that makes sense. More sense than Yasu, anyway. I think the doctor probably smashed his head into something when he was born and it made him like this.

[Why is his ass so rude.]

Maybe he was abducted as a kid by some cat hating alien, and when they dumped him back on Earth he was completely converted to their ways.

[ oh! one of the other kittens has woken up. karkat goes to pet em. ]

I'd literally believe that. Like, especially now.

[He'd believe anything at this rate?! BUT OH a sleepy kitten... Kashuu will scoot himself forward a little, because even though he's already holding One Cat, who can resist the allure of More Cats?]

Aw... How are they so cute?

It's probably a secret ploy for world domination. It's easier to conquer the world when everyone wants to aggressively pet you.

[ the kitten gets up and just sort of tumbles out of the bed, like someone hungover and forgot what legs are. it's probably adorable. ]

[It's 100% adorable and Kashuu is the biggest sucker for it. When cats inevitably do take over the world and/or are revealed as the real masterminds behind Retrospec, he'd cave immediately. The weakest link is him.

He reaches out carefully to pet its little noggin with one finger...]

Honestly, I'd be fine with a cat takeover.

[HE DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE HE'S JOKING.]

Since we like cats do you think we'd have a higher ranking on the hierarchy? Like members of cat parliament?

[ wait. give him a second. ]

Pawliament.

Oh my god.

[Haunted by cat puns.]

If there is one, you might've just been demoted for that... But on the other hand, cats love to torment people, so maybe you'd get a promotion instead?

That was quality material! I refuse to get demoted. I'll revoke the demotion and just promote myself if they won't.

[ that's...

that's not how promotions work. ]

Nice thought and all, but you'd have to actually be a cat to promote yourself in cat society, probably.

[That isn't how promotions work, either?!]

I can be like an ambassador. Those are important, right?

[ he... actually doesn't really get what ambassadors even do, besides show up in political parts of movies. ]

[Apparently they're in the same boat, since he just kind of squints and cants his head to the side a little... He's still staring at the kitten too, since it's adorable, but it probably looks like he's trying to search its fluff for answers.]

...Probably? Unless cats decide they don't need diplomacy which is also entirely possible.

I guess they could have in an anarchic society where they only depend on themselves.

[ he can imagine it? but it also doesn't seem right. ]

Then again, don't lions and shit live in packs?

They do, but lions are also definitely the most dog-like of any cat in the cat family. Everyone else just kinda runs with laws they make up on the fly.

[He's nowhere near enough of a cat expert to be saying this with such a straight face, but here he is, doing exactly that.]

[ he pulls out his phone and does a quick google search. then, he turns his phone towards kashuu, showing this picture. ]

They're literally the same fucking animal.

[ no they're not. ]

[LEANING OVER to give this an appraising look... and then nodding in agreement because of course.]

I think we're onto something here, y'know. Something big.

A secret conspiracy that the government has been trying to hide from us all this time.

[ he sounds gravely serious when he says this, and even leans in to talk more quietly so that the cats won't overhear. ]

Lions are actually dogs who are catkin.

[How do their conversations spiral into such wildly stupid territory... That's the real talent they have.]

A lot of things make sense now, yeah? Too bad cats don't realize it, but it's probably better for the dogs that way.

There are a lot of other huge cats so I'm sure they would all gang up on the lions or something if they figured it out.

[ most of them live in different parts of the world so probably not. ]

Eh, that would be pretty sad... I'd feel bad for the lions, then. We'd have to like, take 'em somewhere else so the other cats wouldn't bully 'em.

[Just stick them in Lion Land, it's fine.]

If we make a lion only sanctuary would other animals think that's like... animalist?

[ no that still sounds weird. ]

Speciesist?

Maybe? Lions already get the VIP treatment of anything else in the cat kingdom though, honestly. I mean, king of the jungle? Other cats are probably already used to it. ...Oh my god though, imagine the scandal if they found out the king cats were just nerd dogs.

[PLACING A HAND TO HIS CHEST...

Meanwhile the cat that's been chilling with him since Karkat opened the door finally decides to stretch and meander away. She's probably allergic to the intense amounts of stupidity in the air.]

[ honestly? most likely. they'd probably have to chase down the other cats at this point. ]

Oh No Meow Didn't would go wild with all the posts about it, I bet. Biggest scandal of the damn decade there in catville.

[ how he managed to say that all with a straight face is a mystery. ]

[They don't deserve to be blessed by the presence of cats when this is what they talk about in their spare time...]

Outta curiosity, did you come up with that off the top of your head or have you been sitting on it?

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