alienates | ic inbox

They are the scum of the earth and the bane of my existence when they're awake.

[ it's said in the kind of tone a pet owner who loves their pets very much would have.

one of the parent cats, com, walks up. ]

Sounds about right for cats.

[You aren't a true cat parent until your cat has made you want to die... Or so he's surmised from his many years around other cat parents.

BUT OH, a bigger cat!]

Is this one of the big bad grown-ups?

[He holds his free hand out toward Com, inviting any curious cat sniffs that Com might deem necessary.]

That's the mom.

[ com does go and sniff, but she then immediately turns around and heads to the living room, as cats do. karkat watches her go. ]

What a fucking diva. [ HE SHAKES HIS HEAD DISAPPROVINGLY. ] So, do you want one?

She's still a cutie.

[EVEN IF SHE IS A DIVA. Oh, cats...

Anyway, he looks at this pile of sleeping adorable kittens and his mind says what will Yasusada say but his heart says screw what Yasusada says.]

D'you think I can maybe do like, a foster thing first? See if our place and the people there are a good fit and all?

[ he nods his head. internally, he is cackling and rubbing his hands together in triumph, but he manages not to do that for real because he is slightly less extra than he is in canon. ]

Yeah, sure. I'll even let you take some of my supplies with you.

[ cat supplies. ]

Wow, really? Thanks a ton!

[LITTLE DOES THIS FOOL KNOW that he's been played like a dang fiddle by this slightly-less-extra-than-canon True Supervillain.

But it's fine, since he gets a cat.]

Which ones aren't taken yet?

[ karkat wanders over to the bed and points out a black one, that has a small white patch of fur in the middle of the forehead. ]

This one's free.

[ if the cat wasn't asleep karkat would immediately shove the thing into kashuu's arms to seal the deal. ]]

[Kashuu looks like he's in love at first sight, so Karkat probably won't have to worry about any sudden changes of heart, at least.]

Per-fect! That one's extra cute! Aw... Look at that sleeping face, it's the best.

[HE WANTS TO PET THAT CAT IMMEDIATELY but no he'll have to settle for Anne Hathaway for now, since it's rude to wake sleeping kitties.]

[ also wow, anne hathaway deserves to be petter?? ]

Maybe you should take a shit ton of pictures and send it to your roommate. He'll fall in love immediately and then you can strike to kill and move the cat in after he's already smitten.

[ANNE HATHAWAY IS GETTING HER DUE PETS because Kashuu isn't a heartless fool.

He does immediately make a face, though...]

I wish things were that easy, but this guy looks at kittens and just immediately thinks they're gonna leap on his feet and suck his soul out or something.

What?

[ hm, well actually. ]

I used to be like that but then I had to cat sit for someone and it fucked me up.

Wow, seriously? You seem like the kinda guy who was just born with an innate love for cats...

[He actually sounds a little disbelieving. SOUNDS FAKE, KARKAT.]

Apparently my mom was allergic to them so it stuck with me that cats were the devil or something, you know, dumbass kid logic.

[ he still thinks cats are the devil but it's in the fond way that pet owners think their perfect pets are evil. ]

Oooh... [Nodding along!] I guess that makes sense. More sense than Yasu, anyway. I think the doctor probably smashed his head into something when he was born and it made him like this.

[Why is his ass so rude.]

Maybe he was abducted as a kid by some cat hating alien, and when they dumped him back on Earth he was completely converted to their ways.

[ oh! one of the other kittens has woken up. karkat goes to pet em. ]

I'd literally believe that. Like, especially now.

[He'd believe anything at this rate?! BUT OH a sleepy kitten... Kashuu will scoot himself forward a little, because even though he's already holding One Cat, who can resist the allure of More Cats?]

Aw... How are they so cute?

It's probably a secret ploy for world domination. It's easier to conquer the world when everyone wants to aggressively pet you.

[ the kitten gets up and just sort of tumbles out of the bed, like someone hungover and forgot what legs are. it's probably adorable. ]

[It's 100% adorable and Kashuu is the biggest sucker for it. When cats inevitably do take over the world and/or are revealed as the real masterminds behind Retrospec, he'd cave immediately. The weakest link is him.

He reaches out carefully to pet its little noggin with one finger...]

Honestly, I'd be fine with a cat takeover.

[HE DOESN'T EVEN SOUND LIKE HE'S JOKING.]

Since we like cats do you think we'd have a higher ranking on the hierarchy? Like members of cat parliament?

[ wait. give him a second. ]

Pawliament.

Oh my god.

[Haunted by cat puns.]

If there is one, you might've just been demoted for that... But on the other hand, cats love to torment people, so maybe you'd get a promotion instead?

That was quality material! I refuse to get demoted. I'll revoke the demotion and just promote myself if they won't.

[ that's...

that's not how promotions work. ]

Nice thought and all, but you'd have to actually be a cat to promote yourself in cat society, probably.

[That isn't how promotions work, either?!]

I can be like an ambassador. Those are important, right?

[ he... actually doesn't really get what ambassadors even do, besides show up in political parts of movies. ]

[Apparently they're in the same boat, since he just kind of squints and cants his head to the side a little... He's still staring at the kitten too, since it's adorable, but it probably looks like he's trying to search its fluff for answers.]

...Probably? Unless cats decide they don't need diplomacy which is also entirely possible.

I guess they could have in an anarchic society where they only depend on themselves.

[ he can imagine it? but it also doesn't seem right. ]

Then again, don't lions and shit live in packs?

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