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[alienates]

KARKAT VANTAS

I probably do not give a fuck.

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

Comments

[sharplydressed]

I'd be seriously impressed if they managed to get dates in the first place. Who's into that kinda stuff? If someone drew a dick in my drink, that'd be the last time they'd ever have a chance to draw anything in my drink.

[Kiyomitsu "zero tolerance for 12 year old humor and tomfoolery" Kashuu... This is probably the real reason why those baristas didn't make it very long, he was just always lurking nearby radiating intense disapproval and throwing lowkey shade.]

[alienates]

[ he snorts. ]

God, I don't fucking know. You'd have to lower your standards quite a goddamn lot.

[ the joke here is that karkat does date someone who likes to draw dicks on everything in canon ]

[sharplydressed]

That'd be lowering 'em to like, sad levels. I'd feel kind of bad for any person who'd do that, y'know?

[Little did they know, Karkat was that chump they all feel bad for all along.]

[alienates]

No shit. You have to have some self-respect or else you'll end up becoming one of those people who shout, "relationship goals!" at pictures of people opening the door for each other. Like. What the fuck? That's not goals, that's someone being a decent human being.

[ karkat has a lot of opinions on this. ]

[sharplydressed]

That could be one of the first posts on your blog.

[Because even just one sentence in and he can tell that Karkat has a lot of opinions on this...]

Even though I get the feeling you might've already done that? Or at least you've totally had this conversation before.

[alienates]

[ he's definitely had this conversation before, most likely to anya, since she's the person he usually watches romcoms with. ]

It just comes up a lot!

[ ..... because karkat makes it come up a lot. ]

[sharplydressed]

Hm...

[The face of someone who remains unconvinced: pictured here.]

Well, I guess that's not a bad thing in this case! You seem like you'd have a lot of funny things to say about this topic. I bet you'd be great at roasting your friend's dates.

[alienates]

They'd need to get dates first before I could even start.

[ granted, their love lives are still?? better than karkat's??

but the point still stands they are all mostly single. ]

[sharplydressed]

Eh? Wow, all of them? That's pretty-- honestly, I dunno whether to say sad or impressive. Better not to rush that stuff and all, so good for them, but still...

[But he's just imagining a big group of friendless losers and it's so tragic. Maybe he should offer free coffee dates for motivation??]

[alienates]

[ ... karkat would be offended but he would also like free coffee dates? this is a conflict of interests. ]

Well what about your friends? Are they all romantically involved then?

[sharplydressed]

[He can be offended and have free coffee dates! The best of both worlds.]

Not all of them. That'd just be weird. There's always a group of singles, y'know?

[He'd be tragically sad if he was the only single in his friend circle?! That'd be the worst fate.]

But a few of 'em are dating, yeah. One couple's in pretty deep, too - I think they're gonna last. The rest, eh...

[Why is he so rude.]

[alienates]

Well, most couples in our age range are going to break up. That's just stating facts?

[ also rude, and also slightly hypocritical because karkat is one of those people who is convinced that when he finds someone to date it's gonna be True Love and Soulmates and they're gonna get Married. so. ]

[sharplydressed]

[Surprisingly, he doesn't fall into that boat of mild hypocrisy, but dang he sure hopes he's one of The Few. That said--]

At least they're really cute while they last! I love new couples, they're adorable. That honeymoon stage is the best, y'know?

[Is he rude or is he a sap?? The eternal mystery.]

[alienates]

Did you know you have this way of sounding ridiculously condescending while simultaneously maintaining a sincere tone?

[ karkat does not seem critical of this fact. actually, he sounds fairly impressed? ]

[sharplydressed]

Who, me? [No, the other Kashuu Karkat is talking to.]

Eh... I don't! I don't really, do I? Being condescending isn't cute at all. [Which is clearly the problem here?!] And I totally was sincere!

[alienates]

Okay but just because you were allegedly sincere doesn't mean you can't also be condescending. And what does being cute have to do with anything?

[ karkat does not agree that that's the problem here?? NO? ]

[sharplydressed]

Those two things don't work together at all! [That's probably why it's mildly impressive...] And it has everything to do with anything!

[But he just says that one huffy thing instead of actually explaining why it matters... Instead, his expression screws up a little as he tries to logically think this through.]

What, should I have pretended couples like that would stay together longer just so I could call 'em cute? That'd be an obvious lie, though...

[alienates]

Hey, some people might think you're being honest!

[ also kashuu is seriously not helping the image that he is a lonely guy, forever single, here. ]

Now you just sound like someone housing bitter resentment over love.

[sharplydressed]

[He wants everyone to think he's honest!! And not lonely bitter and forever single--!]

Oh my god, I'm getting farther and farther away from the end goal here.

[With said end goal being "have a cute and enjoyable personality". BITTER IS THE OPPOSITE OF CUTE.]

[alienates]

[ well, that response earns him a head tilt and a raised eyebrow because karkat was not really expecting it, but it's still funny. ]

What's the end goal?

[sharplydressed]

The end goal is to be the likeable kind of person that people would trust their wardrobes to!

[At least he makes it sound a little better than it is in its fully watered-down form... "I wanna be the cutest" is not impressive he knows it.]

What if I come out with a Valentine's line someday or something? No one's gonna want to buy if they think I'm some bitter old cynic!

[alienates]

Are you sure? How many people actually pay attention to the person who puts the line out?

[ karkat clearly does not know how vicious the fashion community can be, and how fast they will turn on a designer. ]

[sharplydressed]

[He wishes he could live in blissful ignorance like that... OH DOES HE WISH.]

So many. So many. I mean, the general public usually just oohs and ahhs over designers who put out flashy stuff, but word gets around reeeally fast in the industry if people have a bone to pick with you or don't like how you conduct yourself. It's the worst!

[TOO CUTTHROAT. He'd launch into another series of complaints because boy does he love to complain, except the bell rings and another customer comes in and Kashuu has to smack his customer service smile back on.]

Hey, welcome! I'll be right with you.

[alienates]

[ for a moment there karkat had legitimately forgotten that kashuu is, technically, working, so when he goes back into character for Capitalism, karkat is actually caught off guard.

... he should probably work on his own customer service smile, really, but also, he refuses. ]

Is it usually this quiet here or is it just slow right now?

[ he's not even sure how long they've been talking. ]

[sharplydressed]

[He is a freer man for it... Kashuu needs Insta-Charm for many different situations though, so customer service is just practice for the big gigs.]

It's pretty slow right now... Kinda weird, actually? Normally we're pretty busy. [THE MAGIC OF RP TIMING.

He slides pretty easily into taking this NPC's order after that, though, and fortunately the guy seems more interested in his phone than making small talk so Kashuu's free to turn his attention back while he works.]

Expressive might've rolled out a special today.

[Squinting into the distance with a very Dinkleberg expression...]