ic inbox

[alienates]

KARKAT VANTAS

I probably do not give a fuck.

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

Comments

[alienates]

[ it's funny because karkat knows what his niche is, and he knows it'll get a lot of views because people on the internet enjoy trainwrecks, and karkat's rants are the very definition of a trainwreck. ]

Yeah it's good. [ ... ] Is shit like this hard to make?

[sharplydressed]

[Let it be known that he will be there to up the view count on any rant blog Karkat decides to come out with since he too enjoys both 1) trainwrecks and 2) supporting good people which Karkat clearly is since he's a cat mom.]

Good, good. I think it's like most other things, though. It's not really hard to get the basics down, but it takes practice and time to really get good at it. You have to have a good sense for flavor-matching, too.

[alienates]

[ the amount of people who decided that karkat is a good person because of his cats is hilarious and karkat has decided not to correct them. ]

Can you make other things in the foam? [ CAN HE MAKE DOGS

karkat isn't going to flat out ask for the dogs because that is too embarrassing but. dogs? ]

[sharplydressed]

[Just play to the hopes of the crowd, always the best course of action...]

Sure! You can make pretty much anything you can think of. Birds, monkeys, dragons, dogs... [DOGS, KARKAT! But also one of these things sure isn't like the others, lord.] I just like cats the best and they usually get a good reception with the customers.

[Except for the weirdos who don't like cats, but their opinion is immediately Wrong.]

[alienates]

[ karkat obviously agrees with that sentiment.

but also, ONE OF THOSE THINGS WASN'T LIKE THE OTHERS? ]

Okay well first of all you have to show me how to make a dragon.

[sharplydressed]

Sure, sure! People really like that one too. [It's like making balloon animals but more elegant! The fan favorites are always easy to pick out.] Come over here real quick so you can get a better look, okay?

[He'll grab a pitcher of milk to steam up and one of their smallest cups! The prepwork is the same as usual, but it's when he starts pouring the milk that the coffee witchcraft happens, with the end result looking something like this.]

Ta-dah!

[alienates]

[ in a sort of hushed, awe whisper, that is somehow still pretty loud despite being a whisper, ] What the fuck.

[ obviously there is a trick to this that is easy to learn with practice, but karkat is far from artistic so it just looks like goddamn magic to him. ]

[sharplydressed]

[That's the exact kind of reaction that this nerd lives for, so he's just sparkling over here.]

Pretty neat, right? Here, you can take this one too, if you want.

[Nudging the hot chocolate forward... Karkat's just going to walk out of here with an armful of free stuff today, apparently.]

You can make pretty much any design you want that way and it's a little less hard than the foam that makes actual shapes.

[alienates]

[ he has... so much free stuff, as well as two drinks now? karkat takes the hot chocolate anyway, because he is not one to say no to free stuff. ]

How many people end up learning how to do dicks first thing?

[ it's a genuine question because karkat is aware of people's love of drawing dicks. ]

[sharplydressed]

[Spoken like a true denizen of the internet. His nose wrinkles a little, one part disgust at being reminded of the darker parts of his sordid barista-training past and one part "hm, that's a good question".]

...Y'know, less than you would think, actually? We've definitely had a few but it's prooobably not surprising that those are the guys who usually don't last long here, anyway. Maybe they're at home drawing dicks in their coffee creamer instead.

[alienates]

[ that is actually a surprise. the thought that enough people can resist the urge to put a dick everywhere is shocking, which... yeah probably means karkat spends way too much time on the internet. ]

I will bet you ten dollars that when they go on dates they draw dicks in their date's drinks.

[sharplydressed]

I'd be seriously impressed if they managed to get dates in the first place. Who's into that kinda stuff? If someone drew a dick in my drink, that'd be the last time they'd ever have a chance to draw anything in my drink.

[Kiyomitsu "zero tolerance for 12 year old humor and tomfoolery" Kashuu... This is probably the real reason why those baristas didn't make it very long, he was just always lurking nearby radiating intense disapproval and throwing lowkey shade.]

[alienates]

[ he snorts. ]

God, I don't fucking know. You'd have to lower your standards quite a goddamn lot.

[ the joke here is that karkat does date someone who likes to draw dicks on everything in canon ]

[sharplydressed]

That'd be lowering 'em to like, sad levels. I'd feel kind of bad for any person who'd do that, y'know?

[Little did they know, Karkat was that chump they all feel bad for all along.]

[alienates]

No shit. You have to have some self-respect or else you'll end up becoming one of those people who shout, "relationship goals!" at pictures of people opening the door for each other. Like. What the fuck? That's not goals, that's someone being a decent human being.

[ karkat has a lot of opinions on this. ]

[sharplydressed]

That could be one of the first posts on your blog.

[Because even just one sentence in and he can tell that Karkat has a lot of opinions on this...]

Even though I get the feeling you might've already done that? Or at least you've totally had this conversation before.

[alienates]

[ he's definitely had this conversation before, most likely to anya, since she's the person he usually watches romcoms with. ]

It just comes up a lot!

[ ..... because karkat makes it come up a lot. ]

[sharplydressed]

Hm...

[The face of someone who remains unconvinced: pictured here.]

Well, I guess that's not a bad thing in this case! You seem like you'd have a lot of funny things to say about this topic. I bet you'd be great at roasting your friend's dates.

[alienates]

They'd need to get dates first before I could even start.

[ granted, their love lives are still?? better than karkat's??

but the point still stands they are all mostly single. ]

[sharplydressed]

Eh? Wow, all of them? That's pretty-- honestly, I dunno whether to say sad or impressive. Better not to rush that stuff and all, so good for them, but still...

[But he's just imagining a big group of friendless losers and it's so tragic. Maybe he should offer free coffee dates for motivation??]

[alienates]

[ ... karkat would be offended but he would also like free coffee dates? this is a conflict of interests. ]

Well what about your friends? Are they all romantically involved then?

[sharplydressed]

[He can be offended and have free coffee dates! The best of both worlds.]

Not all of them. That'd just be weird. There's always a group of singles, y'know?

[He'd be tragically sad if he was the only single in his friend circle?! That'd be the worst fate.]

But a few of 'em are dating, yeah. One couple's in pretty deep, too - I think they're gonna last. The rest, eh...

[Why is he so rude.]

[alienates]

Well, most couples in our age range are going to break up. That's just stating facts?

[ also rude, and also slightly hypocritical because karkat is one of those people who is convinced that when he finds someone to date it's gonna be True Love and Soulmates and they're gonna get Married. so. ]

[sharplydressed]

[Surprisingly, he doesn't fall into that boat of mild hypocrisy, but dang he sure hopes he's one of The Few. That said--]

At least they're really cute while they last! I love new couples, they're adorable. That honeymoon stage is the best, y'know?

[Is he rude or is he a sap?? The eternal mystery.]

[alienates]

Did you know you have this way of sounding ridiculously condescending while simultaneously maintaining a sincere tone?

[ karkat does not seem critical of this fact. actually, he sounds fairly impressed? ]